My kids had no school yesterday, so I thought I would treat them to a movie. The boys wanted the Lego movie, but I wanted to go to a cheaper theater, so we found The Muppets: Most Wanted. Score! Everyone in our house adores the "first" Muppet movie, so I thought it would be a slam dunk.
It was pretty good (for singing and dancing puppets), but within the first couple of minutes, my youngest two were shaking in their seats, scared of Dominic Badguy (pronounced Badgie) and Constantine, the Kermit look-alike frog. I assured them the Muppets would make it out alive during the Crown Jewels heist, because how would they make another sequel if they didn't? Still, a little anxiety stuck around, especially in my youngest.
Fast forward several hours later - bedtime. I was not feeling well, so my husband did all of the bedtime routine. But little K just couldn't settle. Time and again, she came down to me, teary-eyed, afraid of the "bad frog". Time and again, I reminded her that he was just a toy and not at all real. She continued to ask me to watch all the doors of the house ("even the ones we don't use too much") to ensure Constantine didn't make an unsolicited entrance.
About 10:00, I gave up. I saw the writing on the wall. I must sleep with this child tonight if I was to hope for any sleep at all. During the bedtime switcheroo, during which my husband settled into a pink princess bed, my seven-year-old arrived at my bed, fearful of robbers (not the frog, mom! just real-life robbers!). Quickly I acquiesced to him slumbering on my floor next to me.
So the night proceeded thusly:
I would drift off, only to be awakened by K, demanding my arm be touching her at all times.
I would drift off, only to be awakened by the dreamlight's constant projection of stars on my ceiling. The whole night.
I would drift off, only to be awakened by my sore throat and pounding head. I would look to my left and see somber eyes gazing at me. She appeared to never fall asleep.
I would drift off, only to be awakened by K asking me if it was almost morning. I glanced at the clock, thinking surely it had to be morning and this painful night almost over. It was 1:56.
I would drift off, only to be awakened by my left arm being held hostage by K. I extracted it and tried to roll over, only to be told she needed to be in front of me, spoon-like, that being right next to me in bed was not sufficient.
At this point, I put my foot down (and I think I even said that phrase - I'm sure she totally understood it). And gave her a firm, impassioned speech along these lines: "Muppets are not real. They cannot get you. They are just toys, and the bad frog can't walk or talk. He will not be coming to our house because that is impossible. Mommy is RIGHT HERE and I will protect you, even though no Muppets are coming to our house. Now it is absolutely time to go to sleep. Mommy is exhausted and I need to sleep!!"
This was about 2:30, and within seconds, she went to sleep and slept the rest of the night without incident.