Sunday, November 16, 2014

Bad iphone

The scene:  My kitchen island, 9:30 p.m.  I was sitting at the computer in my jammies, hair in a haphazard ponytail, working on lesson plans and texting back and forth with my colleague.

The sitch:  Whilst texting my friend, I noticed that there is a little camera icon next to the texting bar.  Realizing it must be new since I had done the most recent upgrade, I decided to check it out.

Bad idea.

For you see, my friends, that innocent-looking little camera icon, is actually Up To No Good.  Not knowing this, of course, I touched the icon and within in seconds, a picture was snapped of me and was being texted to my friend.


I squealed in horror as I saw the hideous picture of me being sent into cyberspace.  "No!" I said, scanning the screen in a desperate and futile effort to stop the text.  I soon realized it had already been received on her end, so I switched to damage control.

I sent off several texts in rapid-fire succession, to the effect of:  "Delete that picture immediately! Don't ever touch the camera icon - it takes a picture WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL!!  Look at my weird face and double chin!"

After many agonizing minutes, I received a text that said she trashed the picture and was cracking up.  I breathed a sigh of relief, and decided then and there to pass this information on to you, dear reader, as a Public Service Announcement, for your safety and well-being:

Do not ever, ever, hold down the camera icon whilst texting on your iPhone.  Unless you are a movie star and all pictures taken of you look like Audrey Hepburn, you will live to regret it.  Now that I have suggested you not touch the icon, many of you have an overwhelming urge to in fact touch that icon and touch it right now.  If you fall into that category, I suggest you try touching it only in a text thread with your mother.  She will love you no matter what your picture looks like.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

For freeeeee!

How to score a $59 purse from Kohl's for nada:

The short answer is:  be a loyal Kohl's customer.

The slightly longer answer is:

Go to Kohl's with a cheerful heart, embracing your love of shopping (this is optional, but it is oh-so-much more fun to shop happily, don't you agree?)

Peruse the purse section and decide on the perfect one to hold all your daily needs.

Look at the price tag.  Read $59 and think "That is way too much for a purse.  That does not fit in our budget."

Remember you are at Kohl's, where of course the price tag is never, I repeat never, what you end up paying.

Smile to yourself and and walk with a spring in your step up to the checkout.

Present the purse to the cashier, along with two paper coupons and two email rewards on your phone.

Hear the cashier exclaim what a deal you just scored, and inform you that you still have $5 left on your phone reward.

Exit the store on a money-saving high.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

How Not To Have A Restful Evening

If a peaceful, relaxing evening sounds pleasant, please do not mimic the following:

4:00 Enter home after a busy day of teaching preschoolers
4:15 Wrangle children into doing their lists of chores/homework, whilst making dinner
4:30 Discipline children repeatedly due to their inability to focus/get along/keep hands to themselves
5:15 Serve dinner to family.  Hear compliments from some, shouts of horror from others
5:45 Bid husband farewell as he departs for meeting
6:00 Bring laundry down/sort/start a load
6:45 Prepare to take eldest to a rehearsal, reminding second eldest to please, please, please be responsible with younger children until Daddy gets home
7:00 Leave with eldest, praying the children don't burn the house down
7:30 Arrive at high school, drop off daughter
7:30:10 Dash to Aldi and fly through store, following carefully prepared list of the week's needs
7:36 Receive text that husband is home and feel relieved
8:00  Arrive to pick up daughter from (super-fast!) rehearsal
8:30 Arrive home, go to switch laundry from washer to dryer, only to realize washer is locked
8:30:05 Read flashing error code with a sinking feeling
8:31 Grab laptop and stand in laundry room, googling
8:32 Wonder aloud how people EVER lived without the internet
8:33 Diagnose problem and feel smart
8:34 Watch a youtube video on how to fix clogged drain
8:35 Feel alarmed at how much water is gushing out of the youtube video's pipe thingy
8:50 Finish prepping the room and prepare to take off the clogged drain thingy with husband
8:51 Realize there is no way we can keep the water from going everywhere
8:55 Frantically try to mop up water mess that is all over floor
9:00 Head downstairs to assess basement and discover the flood has indeed gone through the floorboards
9:15 Pitch pieces of insulation and aim fans on both areas
9:30 Continue cleaning up mess
10:00 Finally flop into bed, only to sleep restlessly because the fan I am so dependent on for white noise is in the basement

Next morning:  Discover everything has dried nicely and no damage is done.  Feel thankful the washer just had a clog and nothing that needed a professional fix; go about the business of finishing the laundry

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Location, Location, Location

Awhile ago, I saw a link on Facebook about couples who decided to get married in the same place that they met their spouses.  All sorts of funny stories and pictures were included of people getting married at Target and the like.  It made me think back to where I met my husband.

We had known of each of other for several years in college, but we had never really spoken until a dance the fall of my senior year.  He had already graduated and was at the seminary.  I was not at the dance officially, just crashing in jeans and a sweater (crashing a dance - doesn't that sound just like me?).  We ended up in a common group of friends and realized we grew up relatively near each other and had attended a Lutheran grade school basketball tournament at the same time in junior high.  It was a completely benign conversation, with nothing earth-shattering or of importance in any way. But it must have made an impression on me, because later that night I was waxing eloquent to a good friend about how much I'd love to marry a guy just like him.  I don't recall this conversation, but when my husband and I started dating, she was quick to remind me what I had said.  Several months later, he called out of the blue and we started calling long distance (remember when that cost a lot of money and one had to budget for the fluctuating phone bill?), and as they say, the rest is history.  We were married a year and a half later.

I'm glad we decided to get married in the church I grew up in, but if we had changed our minds, next to the fireplaces in the basement of KCC would have been a memorable choice.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Say again?

I realize I am a boring dresser.  I prefer black and brown and gray over most everything else.  I am exceedingly practical (and frugal!), so I like to buy things in neutrals so they can coordinate with lots of other pieces.  I'm not one for splashy prints, big jewelry or bright colors.

So when I walked downstairs this morning wearing this top,

my ten-year-old son said, "Mom!  You're not going to wear that to school are you?"

"Where should I wear it?", I asked.

Without missing a beat, he said seriously, "The casino!"

Instead of take his advice, I chose to teach preschool instead of gamble.  But if I ever decide to try out a casino, I know what to wear.

And while teaching preschool in lieu of gambling, this occurred:

My husband came down to visit the preschool classrooms (this is such a joy in my life - that my husband and 4/5 of my children are all in the building with me and I see them every now and again).  He ended up walking outside with me and my class briefly.  As he headed back in, one of my students asked why he had come out with us.

"Because he's my . . . ", I said to her, hoping she would say husband.

Instead, she cheerfully said, "Grandpa?"


I decided to hashtag because I think that hashtags are underused.  We need more exercises in word separation these days.  We need to spend more time sounding out unintelligible run-on words.  You're welcome.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Not feeling the love

And I gave birth to these people.

The other night we were at a very cold football game.  My 5-year-old daughter dressed herself and chose two pairs of pants - smart girl!  While we were in the bathroom at the game, she said, "Mommy, what if I wore 64 pairs of underwear?"

I replied, "64 pairs of undies would make your bottom awfully big!"

"Yes!" she said cheerfully.  "Just like yours!"

This morning as the kids and I got into the Suburban, my eldest daughter asked if she could back it out the garage.

"No way!", I said.  "I never could have done that at your age!"

From the back of the burb, I hear my 13-year-old son pipe up: "You can barely do it now!"

I asked my 14-year-old daughter how her day was.

With a smile, she replied, "Duller than a bag of yous!"

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Movie Madness

Today, my children conspired to ruin me.  With their sneaky ways, they set out to upset my delicate emotional balance.

They watched The Fox and The Hound on Netflix.

For realsies.  I tried to suggest another movie, to no avail.  They had never seen this one, and it's a classic! "But Mommy will cry," I said.  "Mommy can't handle this movie."  "Don't watch it, Mom! " they said blithely.  As if.  I tried, truly I did, to do my chores with my ears closed.  But seriously!  Who can handle hearing "Best of Friends" and not fall apart?  Not this girl.  

After I had my weepy moment, I brainstormed a list:

Movies I Cannot Watch Without Bawling My Eyes Out:

Titanic (I have never seen this one - GASP!  Am I the only one on earth who hasn't?)
Steel Magnolias
Toy Story 3 (and 1 and 2 too)
My Girl
Lion King
Schindler's List
The Fox and the Hound
Little Women
The Fault In Our Stars (I, of course, have not watched this and will NEVER watch it)
Les Miserables
The Help
The Perfect Storm

And I'm sure there are many, many more that have scarred me but I can't call to mind at this moment. Most, if not all, of these movies will cause me to have a Big Ugly Cry.  Sad, but true.  I've always been a crier, but it's really gotten out of control with each passing year.  It's pretty ridiculous.

Since I know this about myself, and try to fastidiously avoid movies that rip out my insides, I like to replace them with happy, feel-good movies.  Movies that make you smile, skip and sing a song.
So I bring you another list:

Movies That Make Me Happy:

You've Got Mail
Sound of Music
Catch Me If You Can
Goodwill Hunting
Sleepless in Seattle
Miracle on 34th Street
Princess Bride
Wedding Singer
White Christmas
Meet Me In St. Louis

This is just a small sample of movies that indeed do not cause me to weep, but to laugh!  And smile!  And twirl about the room (don't judge).  And really - who wouldn't prefer those things to all that gut-wrenching sadness?  

Which ones can you add to the lists?