Growing Pains

I recently ran across a list of words my youngest mispronounced when she was very little.  And oh - my heart was transported back to that little girl -- the one who asked hundreds of questions every day, the one who gave me a heartfelt blessing each night. . .the one who talked to popcorn at Target.

How quickly the time is passing with little K.  She is growing into a lovely little lady, a third grader who loves to read and learn about robotics and sing and dance.  She is a joy to all around her, and I love the kind heart we see blossoming in her.

But as I read over this little list, my heart ached a bit for the sweet little one she once was.

Wash Mouth - Mouthwash
Scunscreen - sunscreen
Cupcapes - cupcakes
Glubs - gloves
Kineapple - pineapple
Christmas presidents - christmas presents
Oktoberfestible - Oktoberfest
Dentister - dentist

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

Winnie the Pooh

Golden Anniversary

My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary last week.  A few stats:

18,250 days together

2 beloved daughters

8 adored grandchildren

3 houses

1 hometown

lots of laughter

many sorrows shared

plenty of compromises

much love and grace

Fifty years is a long time to be married to a person. When you're married that long, every moment isn't always full of roses and rainbows -- sometimes there is hurt, anger and frustration.  But in a solid marriage, with Christ at its center, those moments are overcome with a firm commitment to the vows they made to each other and to God.  And in the case of my parents, nothing could be truer.  Through hard times and good, happy and sad days, their marriage remained strong and sure, rooted in Christ.  

I am grateful for the example they have shown me, and I pray God grants them many more years together.

The Communion of Saints

Several years ago, I blogged the following here, on the Sisters of Katie Luther blog.  I was talking to my daughter about my dear grandma, and the communion of saints that unifies us. I have always found the communion of saints beautiful and comforting.
My eldest girl left for college two weeks ago today. I'm doing better than I expected, but I still miss her very much.  I miss sharing our days together - both the exciting and mundane details. While we are still so very well connected via text and FaceTime,  it just isn't quite the same while she's away.  But the very first Sunday she was away, I asked her this: "Did you have communion at church this morning?" And she said she did.  What a joy to know that though we are miles apart, we are united together in Christ through his body and blood.  Such knowledge does this mamma's soul good.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. . .

Hebrews 12:1

“Riddley, Riddley, Ree!  I see something you don’t see, and the color of it is. . .”  My five-year-old daughter loves to play this old family game, passed along for a few generations.  I recall playing it with my beloved grandma, as she sat under the hair dryer in my childhood kitchen.  

After being told where the game originated, my little daughter has begun asking me about my grandma, who passed away when I was pregnant with her older sister in 2000.

“Tell me about your grandma”, she says often.

And I begin with great memories. . .she loved Coke, ham sandwiches, and shopping.  She was widowed young and reinvented her life by becoming a real estate agent.  She adored her family, took pictures of everyone all the time, and said “Hello, love”, when we talked on the phone.

But above all else, she loved her Savior.  She had a faith that emanated from her very being.  Everyone who knew her knew that she put Christ first in her life.  Her constant prayer was for unbelieving family and friends to come to know her Lord.  She was an amazing witness and example of faith in action.

And as I cuddle in bed with my sweet babe, recounting all these things, perhaps not surprisingly, we came upon the beauty of the communion of saints.  Explaining the communion of saints to a five-year-old, child genius as she is (I’m her mother, I get to think that!) is no small undertaking.  I proceeded carefully, traveling along something like this:

“Do you know how Mommy and Daddy and your brother and sister take communion every Sunday?  We take communion together, and we also take communion with all the people at church that Sunday, right?”

She agreed, so I continued.  “Well, you know that your grandparents and aunts and uncles take communion every Sunday, too, right?  Even though they are far away, we are communing with them, because we all believe that Jesus is present in the bread and wine.  So, we are not actually standing next to them, but we are still communing with them.”

She nodded again, so I took the final leap.   “It is the same thing with all the people who went to heaven in Jesus.  Though we are not standing together, we are united in Jesus’ gift of His body and blood.  Each time we take communion, we are together with all believers!”

I’m not sure just what she retained, but the seeds were planted.  What a glorious gift, this sacrament!  Together with all believers, it binds us to Him and strengthens us for our journey here on earth.  Praise God for His holy sustenance!

Yet she on earth has unionWith God, the Three in One,And mystic sweet communionWith those whose rest is won.O blessed heav’nly chorus!Lord, save us by your graceThat we, like saints before us,May see You face to face. 

The Church’s One FoundationLSB 644

Thoughts on College from an Adjusting Mamma

It has occurred.  What I have expected and dreaded for over 18 years actually happened.  My sweet young adult daughter actually went away to college.  And while we've been prepping for it for awhile now, it still feels a little surreal.  Some of my thoughts about the last several days.

• Leaving her at college was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Acknowledging that fact to myself made me realize that I have had a pretty wonderful life!  But truly my friends, as the hour approached for us to leave, my heart felt as though it was being ripped from chest, and I wondered if I could really do it.  I knew though, even then, that this was the best thing for her, and that she would flourish there.  So we said our teary goodbyes and I cried all the way home.  
• My daughter is amazing! After a very long and watery school day for me on Friday (I have some amazing co-workers - more on that below), I finally made it home, where I could have a cathartic cry.  But my spirits were lifted exponentially when my daughter face timed me and was cheerful and chipper and had had a good day.  While the ache of missing her is still something fierce, I felt ever so much better knowing she was adjusting.  Also in the amazing category, re:my girl, she had to go downtown today to get some paperwork filled out for her job, and she did it!  She and her sweet roommate took public transit down and back and got it taken care of.  I would never have had the courage to do it three days into college, but she tackled it head on and got 'er done. I was so very proud of her.
• Technology is the goods.  I DO NOT know how my parents and I did this moving-to-college thing without it.  I only called home twice a week!  My daughter and I have been texting multiple times a day, FaceTiming and calling when needed.  Technology has made the transition so very much easier.  I am unbelievably thankful I am sending my kids to college with these options at our fingertips.  She feels so much nearer because of all of these connections!
• My husband is awesome.  He has held me while I sobbed, counseled me through my emotions, and listened to me lament.  He is also patient while I recount multiple text conversations with our daughter and sometimes repeat myself :(  He is missing her terribly too, but is able to help me through my sorrow at her absence.
• My coworkers, friends and family are fabulous!  As I mentioned above, I cried a little  a TON on Friday.  It felt like at every turn, I was weeping.  It was driving me crazy, but I couldn't seem to hold it together whenever someone hugged me or asked about my girl.  But my coworkers were so kind and thoughtful, and loved me through it.  I am so thankful for them!  I also received countless texts from friends and family who were checking in on me, knowing this task was going to be so very hard.  I received a little gift of chocolate and coke zero from one sweet friend (which brought me to tears - I told you I cried all day!), and hugs and love from so many others.  I am so grateful for these friends!

All in all, my girl seems to be adjusting well, and I am doing okay because I know she is where God wants her to be.  I still feel a bit like my leg has been cut off, but perhaps that ache will ease with time. If not, I will learn to manage it, I suppose.  At the end of the day on Thursday, there was a service for all the parents and students, and at the end we sang (I say "we" loosely - I cried through the whole hymn and couldn't sing a word) the hymn below.  How comforting these words are to our aching hearts - our daughter is never alone!

Go, my children, with my blessing, Never alone.
Waking, sleeping, I am with you; You are my own.
In my love's baptismal river
I have made you mine forever.
Go, my children, with my blessing - You are my own.

Go, my children, sins forgiven, At peace and pure.
Here you learned how much I love you, What I can cure.
Here you heard my dear Son's story;
Here you touched him, saw his glory.
Go, my children, sins forgiven, At peace and pure.

Go, my children, fed and nourished, Closer to me;
Grow in love and love by serving, Joyful and free.
Here my Spirit's power filled you;
Here his tender comfort stilled you.
Go, my children, fed and nourished, Joyful and free.

I the Lord will bless and keep you And give you peace;
I the Lord will smile upon you And give you peace;
I the Lord will be your Father,
Savior, Comforter, and Brother.
Go, my children; I will keep you And give you peace.

The New Normal

18 years and 5 months ago, I had a little baby.  Our first!  She was a beautiful pink-cheeked angel and she stole our hearts.  She was our pride and joy and as we got used to what I called our new normal, I found it shocking how fiercely I loved her.  Her every move, emotion, and need became my primary focus, and I knew I had been right when I thought motherhood would be my calling.  Being her mommy (and her daddy's wife!), was the vocation I had longed to fulfill my whole life.  

As she grew, we added her siblings one by one, and life was good.  Oh, of course there were many moments of frustration, sadness, exhaustion and anxiety.  But my over-arching emotion toward motherhood was the same:  this was my calling.

And here I am, this week.  In four short days, my husband and I will be delivering that sweet baby to her first year of college.  I'm not quite sure how we got to this place so quickly.  The years have flown by, and my heart hasn't really had time to catch up.  But the time has come, whether my heart feels ready or not, and we must embark on this new adventure:  parenting a young adult from afar.  

I look at her, and I see the great things she is going to do, both in college and beyond.  She is ready to spread her wings and be on her own, learning and growing and blossoming.  She might be a little homesick and have some growing pains herself, but she is prepared to handle it all.  She is mature and rooted in her faith, and she is going to do great things, I feel sure of it.  

But remember my heart?  It's having internal conflict all the day long.  I want this for her (going away to college is absolutely the best choice for her), yet my heart just isn't quite ready at the same time.  I'm simultaneously thrilled for her and aching for what will change. While she isn't leaving forever (to my great joy I realized that she'll be home 1/3 of the year!), Thursday marks a definite change in what we've known for 18 years and 5 months - our girl being with us in our home, sharing her everyday life with us.  And that's a little hard to get used to.

So I'm praying for so many things:  for her to flourish and succeed and have an amazing college experience; for her to stay safe and healthy; for her faith to deepen and grow;  for her to meet new friends and have new adventures; for her to learn so many new things and grow even more in her excitement for teaching little ones; and finally, for all of us still here in our house - that we can adjust to our new normal with as much grace and peace as we can, knowing that while she isn't under our roof, she is still being held under God's wings. 

A Letter to Moms of Littles

Dear moms of little ones,

I remember the stage of life you're in.  You're deep in the trenches of motherhood and it's not always pretty. Nights are short, days are long, and sometimes it's really, really hard.

And then a well-meaning older mom tells you something like this:

"It goes by so fast!  Enjoy every moment! Soak it all up!"

And you want to punch her in the face.

Because you're thinking - how do I enjoy it more?  Everyone says these days go by quickly, and I see that they are, but seriously, is there something more I can be doing?

The answer is no.

Mammas, you ARE soaking up every moment.

You're taking in every breath of sweet baby scent, feeling almost light-headed with love for your child.

You're soaking up your child's first words, first steps, first bike ride, first day of school.

You're cherishing the cuddles with your little one and saying bedtime prayers, listening to her voice sweetly talking to Jesus.

You're listening with super human patience as your child learns to read, even when one page takes an eternity to get through.

You're there with kisses for every owie, hurt feeling, and disappointing moment.

And yes, you're soaking in even those horrible, soul-sucking moments, when you're sleep-deprived, elbow deep in poop, with a child crying, and another child feeding the dog yesterday's leftovers.

You're taking it all in and treasuring it, each moment in its own way.  The spectacular, joyful, glorious moments as well as the mundane, tedious, heart-wrenching ones.

Motherhood is an all in sort of vocation.  You create a little life, (a entire person!) and your world turns upside down.  Suddenly this little one is everything.  But it's not always easy, and you wish time away, just when everyone is reminding  you to soak it all in.  

Mammas, hear me:  you are soaking it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly -- these are what you will look back on fondly.  And time has a way of making even those terrible, awful, no-good moments look appealing in hindsight.

So don't let anyone make you feel like you're doing it wrong, or wishing it away, or not enjoying it enough. There will be moments that are not all that pleasant, but you're still present and mothering through it, and that's it's own form of enjoyment and fulfillment.

Keep soaking in every moment, mammas.  Motherhood is your calling.

Love,

A mom of older ones

20 Years and Counting

20 years ago this month, my husband and I moved up north to start a new chapter in our lives.  My husband was a fresh seminary graduate, and we had been married just two years.  We moved in the hot July humidity, trudging our newish wedding-present-decor and our used, garage-sale furniture into our new apartment.  Several people from our new congregation helped us, and our new life as "Pastor and Mrs." began.

And here we are, 20 years later, still in this place, still with those same people who helped us move in that day, and still excited about ministry here.  When we moved that day, young and naive, I would never have imagined that we would stay in our first call so long; indeed, none of my husband's seminary classmates are in their first call, we are the only ones to have remained in ours.

Yet here we are, and I am so thankful for God's goodness in this place.  From the very beginning, we have been enveloped in love, and that is still true.  I recall in those first weeks the groceries given to us, the furniture, the help getting settled into our new town, and more.  And as time passed, and we began to make friends here, we realized just how blessed we were by the people of our new congregation.

As our family grew, and through both happy and sad times, the people of Trinity have rejoiced with us, cried with us, and loved us.  And we in turn have grieved with these people, ached with them at times.  And other times, we have celebrated with them, hearts full.

On that hot July day 20 years ago, I don't think I could have imagined the blessings God had in store for us. He has provided us with a true family -- one who loves us, supports us and cares for us. I am often overwhelmed with love for God's people here - they are all precious gifts from God.

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you,  always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now.  And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Phil. 1:3-6