A friend and I were recently talking about fear. She is a couple of years younger than me, but she was reflecting on the fact that it seems as if she is getting more fearful as she ages. Not doubting God or losing faith, but simply worrying over what might happen -- in this case to one of her children. I commiserated with her -- I know these feelings of fear all too well.
But the more I thought about it, it seems there are two sides of the coin for me. On the one hand, as I have gotten older, I do notice myself batting worry over "what could happen". As my friend and I were talking, we attributed that to the fact that the older we get, the more we have seen. The more loss and heartache we have experienced. Like many people, when I was young, I felt invincible - the world was wide open, and I thankfully hadn't experienced too much loss or tragedy. But as we all get older, we start to experience those challenges personally and see and feel those in our loved ones' lives as well. So, maybe the fear comes due to simply an awareness of what could happen that we didn't fully have when we were younger.
But on the other hand, with age I have noticed comes a deeper peace in God's good will for us. Might bad things happen? Yes. But is He with us throughout the journey? Yes. Many times as I have gotten older, I have asked God for the desires of my heart, but with a greater understanding of His will. I pray now, as I always have, that God's will be done in my life and the lives of those around me. As we all know, that can be a challenging prayer to pray. God's will might not look like my will at all. The things I think I want so badly might not be good for me (or my loved ones), and my little finite mind just can't see that. But if we truly pray for God's will in our lives, there can be no room for fear. He will give us just what we need. It might not be easy or the path we would have chosen, but it is for our good nonetheless.
This past Sunday's homily was in part about fear, and my friend and I were discussing how timely it felt to her about a concern she was having. It felt timely to me also, but perhaps because it would be timely for me any Sunday. In the homily, our pastor said "Fear suffocates faith. Fear is never from the Lord. The Lord brings you faith." I have often quoted "Get behind me, Satan!" -- sometimes with a laugh or a smile, maybe when I am reaching for a dessert I know I shouldn't be eating or something trivial like that. But there have been other times too, when I know that Satan truly is at work, casting doubt and fear into my heart, causing me to lose focus on what I know is true. Those moments of fear are Satan, trying his hardest to rip things apart as he always does.
So maybe with age can also come a renewed zeal in truly praying for God's will in my life. For putting fear behind me and praying for His peace, the peace which passes all understanding. In my quiet moments of prayer and reflection, I can hear Jesus say "Do not be afraid. Peace be with you."
Fear is not from God. God gives us peace.
. . .for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7