Thoughts on College from an Adjusting Mamma

It has occurred.  What I have expected and dreaded for over 18 years actually happened.  My sweet young adult daughter actually went away to college.  And while we've been prepping for it for awhile now, it still feels a little surreal.  Some of my thoughts about the last several days.

• Leaving her at college was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Acknowledging that fact to myself made me realize that I have had a pretty wonderful life!  But truly my friends, as the hour approached for us to leave, my heart felt as though it was being ripped from chest, and I wondered if I could really do it.  I knew though, even then, that this was the best thing for her, and that she would flourish there.  So we said our teary goodbyes and I cried all the way home.  
• My daughter is amazing! After a very long and watery school day for me on Friday (I have some amazing co-workers - more on that below), I finally made it home, where I could have a cathartic cry.  But my spirits were lifted exponentially when my daughter face timed me and was cheerful and chipper and had had a good day.  While the ache of missing her is still something fierce, I felt ever so much better knowing she was adjusting.  Also in the amazing category, re:my girl, she had to go downtown today to get some paperwork filled out for her job, and she did it!  She and her sweet roommate took public transit down and back and got it taken care of.  I would never have had the courage to do it three days into college, but she tackled it head on and got 'er done. I was so very proud of her.
• Technology is the goods.  I DO NOT know how my parents and I did this moving-to-college thing without it.  I only called home twice a week!  My daughter and I have been texting multiple times a day, FaceTiming and calling when needed.  Technology has made the transition so very much easier.  I am unbelievably thankful I am sending my kids to college with these options at our fingertips.  She feels so much nearer because of all of these connections!
• My husband is awesome.  He has held me while I sobbed, counseled me through my emotions, and listened to me lament.  He is also patient while I recount multiple text conversations with our daughter and sometimes repeat myself :(  He is missing her terribly too, but is able to help me through my sorrow at her absence.
• My coworkers, friends and family are fabulous!  As I mentioned above, I cried a little  a TON on Friday.  It felt like at every turn, I was weeping.  It was driving me crazy, but I couldn't seem to hold it together whenever someone hugged me or asked about my girl.  But my coworkers were so kind and thoughtful, and loved me through it.  I am so thankful for them!  I also received countless texts from friends and family who were checking in on me, knowing this task was going to be so very hard.  I received a little gift of chocolate and coke zero from one sweet friend (which brought me to tears - I told you I cried all day!), and hugs and love from so many others.  I am so grateful for these friends!

All in all, my girl seems to be adjusting well, and I am doing okay because I know she is where God wants her to be.  I still feel a bit like my leg has been cut off, but perhaps that ache will ease with time. If not, I will learn to manage it, I suppose.  At the end of the day on Thursday, there was a service for all the parents and students, and at the end we sang (I say "we" loosely - I cried through the whole hymn and couldn't sing a word) the hymn below.  How comforting these words are to our aching hearts - our daughter is never alone!

Go, my children, with my blessing, Never alone.
Waking, sleeping, I am with you; You are my own.
In my love's baptismal river
I have made you mine forever.
Go, my children, with my blessing - You are my own.

Go, my children, sins forgiven, At peace and pure.
Here you learned how much I love you, What I can cure.
Here you heard my dear Son's story;
Here you touched him, saw his glory.
Go, my children, sins forgiven, At peace and pure.

Go, my children, fed and nourished, Closer to me;
Grow in love and love by serving, Joyful and free.
Here my Spirit's power filled you;
Here his tender comfort stilled you.
Go, my children, fed and nourished, Joyful and free.

I the Lord will bless and keep you And give you peace;
I the Lord will smile upon you And give you peace;
I the Lord will be your Father,
Savior, Comforter, and Brother.
Go, my children; I will keep you And give you peace.

The New Normal

18 years and 5 months ago, I had a little baby.  Our first!  She was a beautiful pink-cheeked angel and she stole our hearts.  She was our pride and joy and as we got used to what I called our new normal, I found it shocking how fiercely I loved her.  Her every move, emotion, and need became my primary focus, and I knew I had been right when I thought motherhood would be my calling.  Being her mommy (and her daddy's wife!), was the vocation I had longed to fulfill my whole life.  

As she grew, we added her siblings one by one, and life was good.  Oh, of course there were many moments of frustration, sadness, exhaustion and anxiety.  But my over-arching emotion toward motherhood was the same:  this was my calling.

And here I am, this week.  In four short days, my husband and I will be delivering that sweet baby to her first year of college.  I'm not quite sure how we got to this place so quickly.  The years have flown by, and my heart hasn't really had time to catch up.  But the time has come, whether my heart feels ready or not, and we must embark on this new adventure:  parenting a young adult from afar.  

I look at her, and I see the great things she is going to do, both in college and beyond.  She is ready to spread her wings and be on her own, learning and growing and blossoming.  She might be a little homesick and have some growing pains herself, but she is prepared to handle it all.  She is mature and rooted in her faith, and she is going to do great things, I feel sure of it.  

But remember my heart?  It's having internal conflict all the day long.  I want this for her (going away to college is absolutely the best choice for her), yet my heart just isn't quite ready at the same time.  I'm simultaneously thrilled for her and aching for what will change. While she isn't leaving forever (to my great joy I realized that she'll be home 1/3 of the year!), Thursday marks a definite change in what we've known for 18 years and 5 months - our girl being with us in our home, sharing her everyday life with us.  And that's a little hard to get used to.

So I'm praying for so many things:  for her to flourish and succeed and have an amazing college experience; for her to stay safe and healthy; for her faith to deepen and grow;  for her to meet new friends and have new adventures; for her to learn so many new things and grow even more in her excitement for teaching little ones; and finally, for all of us still here in our house - that we can adjust to our new normal with as much grace and peace as we can, knowing that while she isn't under our roof, she is still being held under God's wings. 

A Letter to Moms of Littles

Dear moms of little ones,

I remember the stage of life you're in.  You're deep in the trenches of motherhood and it's not always pretty. Nights are short, days are long, and sometimes it's really, really hard.

And then a well-meaning older mom tells you something like this:

"It goes by so fast!  Enjoy every moment! Soak it all up!"

And you want to punch her in the face.

Because you're thinking - how do I enjoy it more?  Everyone says these days go by quickly, and I see that they are, but seriously, is there something more I can be doing?

The answer is no.

Mammas, you ARE soaking up every moment.

You're taking in every breath of sweet baby scent, feeling almost light-headed with love for your child.

You're soaking up your child's first words, first steps, first bike ride, first day of school.

You're cherishing the cuddles with your little one and saying bedtime prayers, listening to her voice sweetly talking to Jesus.

You're listening with super human patience as your child learns to read, even when one page takes an eternity to get through.

You're there with kisses for every owie, hurt feeling, and disappointing moment.

And yes, you're soaking in even those horrible, soul-sucking moments, when you're sleep-deprived, elbow deep in poop, with a child crying, and another child feeding the dog yesterday's leftovers.

You're taking it all in and treasuring it, each moment in its own way.  The spectacular, joyful, glorious moments as well as the mundane, tedious, heart-wrenching ones.

Motherhood is an all in sort of vocation.  You create a little life, (a entire person!) and your world turns upside down.  Suddenly this little one is everything.  But it's not always easy, and you wish time away, just when everyone is reminding  you to soak it all in.  

Mammas, hear me:  you are soaking it all in. The good, the bad, the ugly -- these are what you will look back on fondly.  And time has a way of making even those terrible, awful, no-good moments look appealing in hindsight.

So don't let anyone make you feel like you're doing it wrong, or wishing it away, or not enjoying it enough. There will be moments that are not all that pleasant, but you're still present and mothering through it, and that's it's own form of enjoyment and fulfillment.

Keep soaking in every moment, mammas.  Motherhood is your calling.

Love,

A mom of older ones