Gifts

As the year winds down and comes to a close tomorrow, I've been pondering 2021, as most people probably are doing.  Christmas and the end of 2021 didn't look exactly as we had planned, a truth that many families are experiencing in varying ways.  Every day this week, I've taken an early morning walk (it IS Christmas break, after all!), and on the walk, I've focused my prayers on all the good we've been given.  With each footstep, I reminded myself out loud this truth:  Gift.  Gift. Gift.  We have been given gift upon gift upon gift.  As I walk each day and pray, I've listed some of God's immeasurable gifts to us:

• family.  Though our holiday looked a little different than we planned, we are still rich in the love of family
• technology!  Facetime, texting, sending pictures digitally. . .so many ways to stay connected
• laughter.  Even amidst some changed plans, so much laughter
• home and all our needs taken care of
• a beautiful and gracious church family!  We are surrounded by love through our church family
• new traditions and memories. Our daughter's fiancee joined us for Christmas this year and it was wonderful to have him here for our celebrations
• good health. What a gift we have been given in our bodies.
• our newborn Savior.  Amidst changed plans and minor disappointments I have made many efforts to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and the abundance of gifts He's given to us -- most importantly, the gift of Himself.  Everything pales in comparison to His overwhelming love for us.  

Gift upon gift upon gift. 

With Age Comes Wisdom

They say with age comes wisdom.  I don't know how wise I'm getting in my old(er) age, but I do know that I have learned a few things over the years and also have gotten more comfortable with who I am.  Below are a few quotes and bits of wisdom I've adopted over the years and love to bestow on my family at opportune times. :) 

• Read the room.  I don't know how many times my oblivious children have asked an inane question during a phone call/intense conversation/crisis situation/parent dozing.  Look around and decide if now is the perfect time to ask if you can have a cookie.
• Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.  I know this one is a little cliche, but it rings so true.  We're always looking ahead and so easily miss what is right under our noses - these children, these moments, this life.  
• If you have something nice to say, say it! I've written about this before, and I still try to make it my mantra every day.  The cashier has beautiful hair, tell her!  Your colleague has a lovely way of making others feel comfortable, tell her!  Your husband makes you coffee every morning, thank him!  Seize the moment to be kind!
• A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.  I saw this on a sign in my college library and it has stuck with me.  Again, my precious offspring have often come to me with a wild look in their eyes because they need a protractor/snack for school/kleenex box (read about that one here)/special color shirt that they don't own. . .for tomorrow.   When asked how long they've known about said need, the answer is always days or weeks.  I am happy to help my children out with whatever they need, but plan ahead a bit, people.
• Do small things with great love. I have this sign in my kitchen as a daily reminder to take up all the small tasks I do for my family as gifts to them.  I so often do small things with great grumbling and annoyance.  I remind myself that these little things are how I show my family I love them.
• Know your audience.  I'm not sure how to sum this one up, but it boils down to thinking of the other person's feelings before speaking.  I've been on both sides of this - I once said "I'm starving" to a cashier, without thinking about the fact that she might know what it's like to actually be hungry (and she questioned me about it).  And I've been told by someone with a much larger expendable income lament that they hadn't taken an (elaborate) spring break trip in a few years (we've never taken one).  
• These are the good old days.  I recently bought a sign with this sentiment on it (my daughter has informed me that we have waaaaay too many signs with words, but I don't listen to that kind of crazy talk).  This phrase reminds me that I'll look back on this time (and indeed I already look back on our earlier parenting years this way) and realize that these are the good old days.  Now.
• Mail a hand-written thank you note!  We're big on thank you notes around here.  I think taking the time to write a personal note of appreciation is such a kind gesture.  When in doubt, always write a thank you!
• And finally, with great silly fanfare, I do what I want!  My kids are always telling me I should do this or do that, or wear this or don't wear that, and I am often heard saying, "I do what I want!" If I want to sing or dance or laugh at ridiculous things, I'm gonna do it.  If I want to wear something that my teens deem "special", I'm gonna do it.  If I want to hug my kids or check in on them a bit more often than they feel is necessary, I'm gonna do it.  

So there it is - "wisdom" from this late 40s mamma.  Take it or leave it!  But if you live in my house, you're going to be reminded of these things on the regular.  Hopefully these thoughts will help shape them into kind and loving people. :) 

Four Things I'm Loving Right Now

 Four things I'm loving right now, in no particular order:

1. Text threads!  My parents, my sister and I are all in a thread we've dubbed The Fab Four.  We text all kinds of stuff, silly and important, and it always makes me smile.  One of my kids just yesterday learned that we did not make up the name Fab Four.  The child was disappointed and vaguely annoyed at the Beatles, I think, for coming up with it first. 
   I'm also loving the text threads with my kids, near and far.  They are laugh out loud funny to me.  I am so very thankful for technology keeping us all connected over the miles!
2. Fall!!  Fall colors, fall candles and today, for the first time, crisp fall air! I never want summer to end, but this year, since summer keeps haaaanging on, I am ready!  Out with 80 degree temps and in with the 50s and 60s! And, while my children have told me I'm not really a redhead anymore (sniff, sniff - there goes part of my identity for 40+ years!), I still wholly relate to this meme:
   
   

    3.  TTTT!  For about the last year or so, my decorating obsession of choice has been the TTTT.  Dubbed so by my children as the Two-Tiered-Tower of Tchotchk(e), I have endured countless minutes of ridicule, but I have stood firm.  These little bits of decor have brought me Great and Abiding Joy.  Someday when my children have their own houses, they can decorate as they wish (I can only hope they don't decorate with their current favorites: dirty socks, food wrappers, backpacks and tennis shoes.)

My fall TTTT, which is showcasing the fabulous movie Thoroughly Modern Millie in the forefront

My 4th of July TTTT, the only pic I have of it, which includes our July 4th charcuterie -

 I'm a sucker for a theme!

And this precious thing - a baby TTTT, which I did not buy whilst at Hobby Lobby, but considered buying for many minutes until boring common sense prevailed

4.  PreK!  I don't remember if I've blogged about it or not, but this year I moved from teaching preschool (3/4s) to PreK (4/5s), and I LOVE it.  I taught 3s for 7 years and had absolutely no desire to move out of the 3s.  I adored their sweet little smiles, personalities and love, and I saw myself teaching 3s for the rest of my career.  So when I was offered the switch to PreK, I had to ponder and pray about it for moment.  It might not sound like a big change, but there really are quite a lot of differences between the two, and I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of my precious 3s. But after a little bit, I felt a peace about moving to PreK and gladly said I would move (which entailed moving classrooms, supplies, curriculum, the whole nine yards).  And I am truly loving it!  I've mentioned many, many times here that change is not my jam. At all.  Like I said, I was quite happy to remain where I was! But teaching PreK has been incredibly rewarding to me.  I love all my little students, with their eagerness to learn, their precious hugs, and their love of Jesus. The whole move was a good reminder to me that God works in everything, including change. 

Teaching in EC affords one the opportunity to wear super cute shirts like this. Try not to be jealous of my cutting-edge fashion.

On Growing Our Family -- 2020s Version

I always thought that we would have another child after we had our youngest daughter. A friend recently said to me, “You have five kids, right?” I responded that we did, and then I paused and said “Well, almost six!” 

Not so long ago, if anyone had heard me say that I had almost six children, it would be an automatic assumption that I was pregnant. Now, since those days seem to be behind us, my friend knew what I meant. Now, almost six children means that I am soon to have a son-in-law. My daughter got engaged this summer and is getting married next summer. I have run through all the emotions --well, all of the happy and nostalgic ones that is! We are thrilled for our daughter and her fiancé. He is a wonderful young man, who loves Jesus and loves our daughter. I think they will have a wonderful married life together. 

But, as you know, nostalgia and sentimentality are my specialty. Many times since her engagement, I have called to mind the movie Father of the Bride, (1990s Steve Martin version). When this movie first came out, I was about the age of Annie, the bride. Oh, how excited I was to find my groom and have those happy moments of wedding planning for myself, which did indeed happen a few years later. But in recent years, I have watched the movie with my own children, and instead of relating to Annie the bride, I now relate to Steve Martin (you can read my thoughts from  2016 about the movie here - and if you haven't seen the movie yet, watch it right away! You're welcome.) Now it is me, getting ready to let my child go and managing all of the emotions that come with that. And just like the scene in the movie,  I can picture my grown adult daughter as a little girl, sitting across from me saying “I met a man and he’s wonderful and brilliant and we’re getting maaaaarried! “. How is it possible that this time has come so soon? Time is a mysterious business, and it is hard sometimes to believe how quickly it passes.

But, ready or not, here we are. And we are ready. We have raised our daughter to love Jesus and to look for a man who also loves Jesus. She is marrying a fine young man who treats her well and loves her very much, and we couldn’t have asked for anything more. And here I am. “Expecting" my sixth child in July. It’s a new way of adding a child to our family (albeit an adult child!). For so many years, we were adding a child to our family every couple of years. And now we are again, in this new and wonderful way. A new son! **  Family is precious, and I am incredibly thankful to God for the gift of our family.

**My younger daughter told her brothers that they better get married someday, so that we can start adding some more girls to this family for goodness sake!  

Mommy's Nights: Full Circle

Many years ago, a little girl and I went shopping.  This shopping excursion was born out of a need for efficiency more than anything else:  I needed to get my new little kindergartener ready for school. And the thought of buying crayons and glue sticks and kleenex and a Friday folder, plus having her try on uniforms with two little boys underfoot just sounded like a recipe for disaster.  So I found a night when my husband was home, left the two precious but rambunctious boys home with him, and took my little gal to Meijer and Old Navy. 

And Mommy's Nights were born.

I can vividly recall being in the dressing room at Old Navy with my little girl while she tried on navy polos and khaki skirts.  She was so excited to get to wear a uniform like the big kids in our school.  Buying her back to school clothes and supplies was so fun that I stretched it out a bit and if memory serves, we got ice cream afterward.  And when I got home, I remember telling my husband that this is the way I wanted to shop for school supplies every year: one-on-one, in a special way, with dinner or a treat.  

And so that's what we've done.  For 16 years, I have taken each child out individually.  Some rough math shows me a guesstimate of 66 Mommy's Nights.  66 times I've taken my littles and not-so-littles out for dinner or ice cream, snapped a selfie, laughed til we've cried, and oh yes - shopped for school supplies.  Finding time for 5 nights (or mornings or afternoons sometimes - we're flexible!) every August isn't always easy, but somehow we've prioritized it every year and it's become a strong family tradition:  Mommy's Nights (which in later years are sometimes called Back To School Nights) are a staple after so many years.

And this year, that little girl who was over the moon about her Old Navy uniforms is going to go on her last Mommy's Night. She's starting her senior year of college and next year won't need dorm supplies or notebooks labeled for each class.  And her last Mommy's Night is going to look a little different - we're not only shopping for back to school items, but also for her wedding!  

How did it happen so fast? I don't know.  I just don't know.  But I do know that while she's not the gap-toothed little gal in the Old Navy dressing room anymore, she's still that same girl - happy to shop with her mom and laugh till we cry.  Excited about what's next (leave behind the uniforms - how about a wedding dress!) and happy to share the moments with her mom. 

Thankfully I have many more years yet with her younger siblings to carry on this tradition.  And also. . .my college senior is going to be a teacher after she graduates. . .so maybe she'd humor her mom for a back-to-school-as-the-teacher Mommy's Night next summer. :) 

A few other posts I've written about our Mommy's Night tradition can be found here  and here and here. :) 

Vacation By The Numbers, Part 2

We just returned from a two-week plus stint in the Wild Wild West (and we even heard the Will Smith song by the same name on the way home!).  It was a great trip, full of beauty, physical exertion, laughter and precious family time.  Here’s a quick numerical summary:

3 campgrounds 

8 states (IL, WI, MN, ND, MT, SD, WY, IA)

7 Thrivent shirts spotted, not including the ones we wore

4400 miles driven (almost 100% of which were driven by my husband, I drove 0 miles pulling the camper - I drove 0.1 mile to do laundry one day)

2 National Parks visited (Teddy Roosevelt and Glacier)

2 National Monuments visited (Little Big Horn and Devils Tower)

13 nights camping in our 20 year old pop-up, who is showing her age a bit, but still hanging in there for our adventures

1 night camping in our friends’ amazingly luxurious camper, causing all of us to dream a bit of getting a new camper someday

12 varieties of wildlife spotted (bighorn sheep, antelope, muskrats, bald eagles, mountain goats, free range cows, wild horses, bison, moose, grizzly bears, deer, prairie dogs)

2 free pizzas, given to us by a Glacier NP employee while we waited in long construction delays after a day in the park

40 miles hiked by 4 of us (12 of which were very strenuous), and 25+ by everyone else, who said no thanks to a hike with a 2600 foot elevation - you can make your guesses about who chose what)

2 (+5 of their kids) friends from college we ran into in our campground in Glacier as they were about to check out

1 Floreo (floor Oreo) nearly consumed by me.  On one of the last legs of the trip, my hilarious eldest two children planted an Oreo which had fallen on the floor, on the console between my husband and I.  After several hours of driving and being annoyed by its presence, I took a bite of it, which resulted in hysterical laughter from my precious children - they’re so funny!

2 back seat butt warmers, continually turned on by children to toast their unaware siblings’ booties

1 great family who hosted us on our trip back with gracious hospitality - it was great to catch up with them (and eat a wonderful meal and take showers without wearing flip fops!)

1 wild fire 5-7 miles from us on one of our hikes - we could see the smoke billowing up from it, and general haze the whole trip from all the other fires in the west

102 degrees on our hottest day, with lots of upper 90s days as well 

1 Corn Palace in South Dakota revisited and several pictures taken to be compared with great nostalgia to pix taken on 2014 on our Yellowstone trip

1.25 theme songs - The Ecstasy of Gold from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, as well as just the words “Lil’ Bit” from the song Lil Bit.  Theme songs have become a tradition each year for us.  You can see some of our other winners here and here and here  and here)

75ish hours in the suburban 

1 bald pop-up tire, noticed and changed by my husband preemptively in a Culver’s parking lot about 2.5 hours from home

And most importantly, hundreds of memories — of so much laughter, shared experiences, arguments and complaining (you do know my family, right?), beautiful mountains, lakes and glaciers, loud, whole-family car songs, and just general togetherness.  My eldest daughter got engaged a few weeks ago (we’re so excited about it - more on that to come!), and we all knew that this trip was the last of its kind, with all seven of us crammed in the pop-up and suburban.  These great camping adventures are not always easy - they’re full of as much hard work as having fun and relaxing.  But there is something to all that time pulling together as a family to keep everything afloat - it unites us in a unique way I think.  Every year as we return home from a family adventure, I am thankful.  Thankful for my husband who plans everything, for the ability to travel so many places, even on a tight budget, for the beauty which God has gifted our country, and for my precious family and our time together. 

How Beautiful

In the time span of just under two weeks, my family and I were able to witness not one, but two ordinations into the pastoral ministry.  What a gift!  Prior to these two ordinations, I think it has been 23 years since I had last attended one.  That year, we were able to go to several, including my husband's own ordination.  

Our church ordained a son of our congregation two weeks ago, and a few days ago, we attended the ordination of our new pastor at his home congregation. Both services were glorious.  A few moments from the services that were especially memorable:

• They were a sensory experience!  The sights (all the clergy!  the ordinand's posture!), the sounds (the glorious, heavenly music!  the full singing!), the smells (incense!), and for the ordinand, the feel of each attending pastor laying his hands upon his head.
• All the clergy!  Many times, even as a child, I have attended worship services with many pastors in attendance. And even as a child, I can recall the beauty there is in hearing all those faithful men sing a hymn with gusto (and often in parts!).  At both of these services, the sight of all the pastors surrounding their new brother and singing their praises was very moving for me.
• My husband preached for the first ordination, and his homily was beautiful (so much so that I listened to it twice!).  He wove into the homily the words of the ordinand's sainted grandfather, who was a retired pastor at our church.  The beauty of Ed's words, now spoken to his grandson, brought me to tears.  One of the quotes he shared was this: "[The pastoral office] is a calling second to none.  In joy, in hard work, in satisfaction, in disappointment, in fulfillment and the humbling awareness: We can only plant the seed, nothing more. God, the Lord alone, brings the harvest."
• The Rite of Ordination calls for the ordinand to kneel and also to lay prostrate.  At my husband's ordination I remember being very emotional as he lay down on the floor.  As these two young men did the same, I was also very moved. The visual is incredibly striking:  these men are giving their lives for the church.  Lying face down on the floor is an act of vulnerability, an incredible symbol of their humility at the greatness of the vocation they are entering. 
•  At the first ordination, I was honored to sing in a duet of "How Beautiful". The other gal and I split up the verses and sang two apiece, with me having the last stanza.  I have sung this piece many times before and it's always one of my favorites.  I didn't give much though prior to the service to which stanzas I would be singing, so I was caught off guard by my emotions as I sang the last verse.  While I was singing, I was able to watch the moments-new-servant-of-God prepare the table for communion, the very first time he had ever done so.  These are the words I sang, while I watched him serve:
  How beautiful the feet that bring,
  The sound of good news and the love of the King
  How beautiful the hands the serve
  The wine and the bread and the sons of the earth
  How beautiful, how beautiful, how beautiful,
  Is the body of Christ.
  When I sing a solo, I tend to be very single-minded:  sing the song to the best of my ability.  I don't let myself get caught up in emotion or distraction of any kind, lest I make an error.  But not this time.  As I sang those words, while watching the very hands serve the wine and the bread and the sons of the earth, I was so moved, so grateful for this new pastor, all pastors, and ultimately Jesus for giving us himself and creating the body of Christ.  I am not worthy of His goodness to me.

It will probably be a very long time before I am able to attend another ordination, so I am savoring the still-lingering impressions from these two beautiful services.  As my husband quoted in his homily, the pastoral office is a calling second to none.  It is full of immense joy, but is also hard work and sometimes heartache.  I am so thankful that God called these two young men to do His work, and that they answered with a resounding "Yes!".  

#4 is high school bound!

A few weeks ago, we celebrated our FOURTH chid’s 8th grade graduation.  How we’ve gotten to this point is a mystery of time, but it is true.  We are down to one child at our Lutheran school, and our youngest boy is ready for high school.

This boy, who we used to fondly call our white-haired wonder, is growing up.  He still loves wildlife and nature, he still loves sports (basketball in particular), and he still loves hedgehogs (more of his own hedgehog, Bandit, and less of the cartoon character Sonic).  But he is changing.  He now loves working out and eating amazingly well.  He cooks almost all of his own meals, and they’re quite the culinary masterpieces.  He works incredibly hard at school and his grades reflected that this year.  And he still takes his faith very seriously, and we’re seeing that deepen and mature lately.

So, I guess he’s ready for high school.  He is pretty excited for this next step, and we are excited for him.  While I’m sorry I won’t see him every day at school with me, I know he is going to do great things in the next four years. 

And he’ll still hoop it up with his brothers and dad on the driveway, and cook in my kitchen.  He’ll still joke around with his siblings and make me laugh all the time.  I’m proud of this boy and the growth that we’ve seen over the last couple of years.  I can’t wait to see what God’s plans are for him in high school. 

Her Children Will Rise Up and Call Her Blessed

We have lots of text threads in our family. . .one for all seven us, one for the people who are living at home at the time, one for me and the girls, one for me and boys (the boyzzzz), and my personal favorite, the one with all the kids and me.  You might ask, why is there a thread without dear old dad in it?  Well, that's because dear old dad gets a lil weary of the constant bantering when someone gets on a kick, causing his phone to blow up.  On the contrary, mom loves it and reads them all.  This text thread gets renamed all the livelong day.  It started ages ago as "Mom loves her kids" or something like that, and has devolved more times than I can count, usually involved some slam against one of us ("Mom is tolerable", "Mom is mediocre", usually in response to me naming "Mom is the best" or the like).  But my favorite name for the thread is what I continually rename it - "Her children will rise up and call her blessed".  And time and again it is changed to something else, like "projectile vomit".

So.  

Obviously no one around here is rising up and calling me anything, unless it's Big Mamma or something equally flattering.  

Recently I saw a Mother's Day card that depicted a modern day Proverbs 31 woman, and it made me smile and ponder what makes a godly woman in today's world. Here are a few of my thoughts:

• She gets up early to switch the laundry, empty the dishwasher and start breakfast.  She lovingly wakes the kids up for school and assists with lunch-making, uniform-finding and field-trip-form-signing.  She prays with her family before sending them off with a kiss.
• She goes to the grocery, the pharmacy, the library, the bank.  She takes one child to the dentist and another to the doctor's office.  She ferries back and forth between school pick ups, sports practices, music lessons and her kids' games.  She puts more miles on the car than accumulate during a long trip.
• She disciplines her children with love and patience, slow to anger and quick to give grace.  She listens to them while they explain their point of view, champions them when needed and guides them to apologize when they're at fault. She reminds them again and again to take their troubles to God in prayer.
• She makes all the appointments, signs all the forms and fills out all the paperwork.  She helps with homework and job applications and listens patiently to presentations until they're just right.
• She gets up in the middle of the night to soothe away a bad dream, nurse and cuddle a precious baby, and administer nighttime meds.  She snuggles "just a few more minutes" in a stuffed-animal-crammed bed instead of beneath her own cool sheets.
• She cooks meals for her family,  sometimes elaborate, sometimes quick, but keeping them as healthy as possible.  She offers snacks when needed and directs the meal time conversations to best hear how her family is doing.
• She takes her children to church every week, instilling in them a love and reverence for their Savior.  She reads the bible and prays with her children at home, answering their faith questions as best she can.
• She loves her husband and respects him, lifting him up to others.  Her husband cherishes her and their children and the home she so lovingly curates. Together, they work to raise their children to know their Savior.

A Proverbs 31 woman is a tall order to fulfill.  I drop the ball daily, hourly. But that grace I'm teaching my children about is also extended to me.  

No, my children might not be rising up and calling me blessed, but I am blessed regardless. What a gift it is to be called to the vocation of motherhood!

This is the letterboard in our kitchen right now.

Yes! our vocation -- in this case motherhood --

is our God-given path to holiness. 

Praise God!

How Are We Not Those People?

 I was walking by our Alexa tonight and saw a picture of my husband holding up one of our babies, fresh from a bath, grins all around. 

And I stopped and touched the screen and said, "How are we not those people anymore?"

How are we not the people who have sweet smelling, towel-wrapped babies?

Who have late night feedings and baby snuggles?

Who have first steps, first words and first days of school?

Who have tiny socks and onesies in the dyer?

How are we not the people who struggle through church, grasping at any snippet of worship we can hear?

Who have playdates and playground afternoons and first sleepovers?

Who have ultrasounds and maternity clothes and pregnancy tests (so. many. tests!)

Who have babysitters and diapers and baby food?

How are we not the people who have long, long, long days?

Instead, we seem to be the people who have tweens, teenagers and young adults.

We are the people who are challenged mentally and spiritually by our children.

Who have drivers and college students and kids who are employed.

Who decide on a whim to go out to dinner just the two of us, and go.  Without advance planning.

We are the people who listen to tales of heartbreak, joyful news and everything in between.

Who laugh and laugh and laugh when we're all together.

Who answer to bruh.

Who now have to use google to help with homework.

Who lose sleep waiting for teenagers to arrive home by curfew.

We are the people whose days were so long, but are being shown that the years are so short.

And you know what?  While it's hard to believe we're no longer those people, the people we are now have a pretty great life too.

If These Walls Could Speak

I've been pondering home a lot lately.  How people live -- how they spend their time when in their most comfortable spaces.  As I drove by houses, I often wonder about the families inside, just going about the day to day, from mundane to thrilling, sorrowful to joyful.  So much of our lives are spent in our homes - hopefully our houses cradle us -- they give us refuge from the world, become our safe space to land.

A couple of years ago, I blogged about our dining room (you can read that here) and all the memories ensconced inside that one little room.  I also blogged about our recliner and all the memories I have in that very chair.  Since I am prone to nostalgia (surprise, surprise!), it made me think about all the memories our whole house holds - some I remember, many I don't (sniff, sniff), PLUS all the events that took place in our house before we moved in!  If these walls could speak, indeed!

So as I'm beginning to embark on exploring the stories our house holds, a few come to mind immediately:

• the early morning sound of padded feet, tucked into footie jammies, looking for mommy
• a bumped head while playing a crazy game with brothers
• cries of elation over good news - a desired part in a play, a good report card, college acceptances, news of vacation plans
• cries of sadness - mourning our miscarriages, the passing of loved ones, broken hearts, disappointments
• newborn baby cries - five times as each of our little ones were welcomed home into this house
• mamma tears as the children begin to fly from the nest
• a casual "I love you mommy" or "you're the best daddy ever!" from a tiny, precious voice
• hugs, kisses, cuddles, wrestling matches, tickle attacks
• toddler baths, full of splashes and shrieks of joy
• teenager feet pounding up and down the stairs
• love -- lots and lots of love

If these walls could speak, oh how I would listen.  I would soak it all up - the good and bad.  These walls have been our safe place; our sacred space for 23 years.  So much of our history I have forgotten, no matter how idealistic I was - "I'll never forget this!" and how carelessly I took for granted what I would now see as precious.  

Maybe they can speak, a little bit anyway.  They speak through our family photos, our journals, our shared remembrances.  It's not everything, but it's a lot.  And I'm awfully grateful for these walls.

Cheers to 21 Years!

21 years ago tonight, I was holding my newborn, our sweet firstborn daughter.  I was smitten with her and couldn't believe God had entrusted her to us.  She was precious and adorable and tiny and perfect.

And I didn't know what in the heck I was doing.

I remember thinking - they're going to let us take her home?  Do they realize we are not qualified in any way to care for her? 

But we somehow learned what we could and winged the rest, and today she's 21.  And by the grace of God, even amidst our inadequacies,  she has turned into a beautiful, strong and capable young woman.

Here are the top 21 reasons I love this girl in no particular order:

• her peace-loving heart
• laughing and laughing and laughing with her
• her intelligence - she never ceases to amaze me!
• we can share shoes and clothes (though she is prone to "borrowing". . .forever!)
• she loves Chick Fil A and asks for it whenever possible
• her strong faith, which shapes everything she does
• her flexibility and ability to go with the flow
• she's a great sibling to her brothers and sister - to hear her tell it, she raised them herself!
• she is often told she is my twin and she doesn't seem to mind!
• she loves kids and will be an amazing teacher
• she tolerates me and humors me when I talk about things she has no interest in (unlike her bros)
• she's dramatic!
• her confidence - I am always impressed with what she's capable of doing
• she watches all my old favorite movies with me
• we take lots of walks and talk together
• she's selfless
• she's very tolerant of all the crazy in our house
• she's responsible and trustworthy and has been since she was little
• her ability to navigate difficult situations with poise
• her love of Shadow puppy
• she never fails to wow me in everything she does

I'm so thankful God gifted us with this amazing girl!  I can't wait to see what God has in store for her future!

Here Am I

I recently had the privilege of speaking with several young women who were on the cusp of their husbands' ordinations into the pastoral ministry.  These women were on the cusp of a new endeavor too -- that of being a pastor's wife.  More than one of the gals asked me what it's like to be a pastor's wife, and if I had an advice to share with them.  Though I have been a PW (as we have been dubbed) for 22 plus years, I didn't really feel like I had much wisdom to impart.  But after I thought about it for a bit, the following hymn came to mind:

Hark the voice of Jesus calling, "Who will go and work today?
Fields are white and harvest waiting -- who will bear the sheaves away?"
Loud and long the Master calls you, rich reward He offers free.
Who will answer, gladly saying, "Here am I, send me, send me"?

If you cannot speak like angels, if you cannot preach like Paul,
You can tell the love of Jesus, you can say he died for all.
If you cannot rouse the wicked, with the judgment's dread alarms,
You can lead the little children to the Savior's waiting arms.

If you cannot be a watchman, standing high on Zion's wall,
Pointing out the path to heaven, offering life and peace to all,
With your prayers and with your bounties you can do what God commands;
You can be like faithful Aaron, holding up the prophet's hands.

Let none hear you idly saying, "There is nothing I can do,"
While the multitudes are dying and the Master calls for you.
Take the task He gives you gladly, let His work your pleasure be;
Answer quickly when He calls you, Here am I, send me, send me!"

I've always loved this hymn and found it so comforting.  I will never speak like an angel or preach like Paul.  I will never be a watchman and point out the path to heaven, nor will I ever rouse the wicked.  The list often seems long of what I cannot do/be/embody.  I often lament that I am not ________ or _______ and that if only I were better at such and such, what a better witness I could be to others.  

But this hymn.  This hymn (and other songs and passages like it) remind me that I am not called to all those things I sometimes wish for.  No -- I am called to this life, this vocation, this place, and God has given me exactly what I need to serve Him here.

So no -- I cannot preach like Paul or speak like angels, but I can lead the little children (my own and my students) to the Savior's waiting arms.  I can tell the love of Jesus to those I encounter each day.  And I can live a life a prayer.

So coming back to where I started -- being a pastor's wife.  Some places might expect the pastor's wife to be an extension of her husband -- great at public speaking, able to run all the church programming, have an amazing ability to recall faces and details, be an organist/pianist/singer, and be gifted in leading Bible studies.  

All these things expected in addition to knowing that a pastor's wife will be called upon to find that balance between home and church life, juggling lots of moving pieces while her husband works often long, and always strange hours?  No wonder the idea of being a pastor's wife can seem daunting!

But this hymn again.  This hymn calls not just the pastor's wife, but all of us, back to who Jesus has called us to be.  "Take the task He gives you gladly, let His work your pleasure be" -- So the question is: what is the task He is giving me?  What is the task He is giving you?

For me, as a pastor's wife, the line "You can be like faithful Aaron, holding up the prophet's hands" has always struck me.  (To be sure, even though I think my husband is pretty amazing, I'm not comparing him to Moses here. :)  But this is where I have settled in in my role as a PW -- holding up my husband's hands, like Aaron did when Moses' arms grew tired of holding up the staff as God had instructed him do. Though I fail often (sometimes fantastically!), this is where I strive to be:  in a role of support to my husband.  To make our home a soft place for him to land.  To listen when he is able to talk.  To give him space and simply be with him when he cannot talk.  To give him grace when he needs it. To not make constant demands on his time and his heart.  To hold up his hands when he is tired.

And as I said, I fail all the livelong day.  But I come back each time, praying to serve where God has placed me.  As a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, a mother and a wife.  

No, I cannot do anything that seems very spectacular, and maybe you feel that you can't either.  But you can answer when He calls you, "Here am I, send me, send me."

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

Such is the quote from the 1970s movie Love Story.  I vividly remember my mom mentioning it at some point in my childhood and calling it ridiculous.  As a child I didn't really understand what it meant, but the exchange with my mom stuck and every time I hear the phrase now I remember discussing it with her.  

And now here I am, considerably older than she was when she scoffed at the phrase.  And, as you probably also know from your experience, my mom was right.  

I live in a house with seven people, one dog and one hedgehog.  And I love all those people fiercely (I also love the dog, and I am fond of the hedgehog), and I can firmly attest to this:  just because I love them doesn't mean I should never apologize.  In fact, because I love them, they deserve my heartfelt apologies when my actions warrant it. 

I'll be the first to admit that saying "I'm sorry", especially to the ones I love isn't always the easiest.  Admitting I'm wrong - who wants to do that??   In fact, my husband is far better than I am at apologizing when he makes mistakes, which is a gift to me and our children.  But apologizing to others stirs up a vulnerability that opens doors and strengthens relationships.  I admit I'm wrong, and I love you and trust you enough to forgive me my offense.  And in so doing, the offended party is given a beautiful opportunity to forgive, just as Jesus does for us and calls us to do for one another. 

I've watched it happen in my relationships with my family and friends, and I've watched it happen between my children.  When we say we're sorry, love is actually deepened and strengthened!  Hearts are opened and forgiveness is entrusted to the other person.  

No, love doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry.  Love means trusting another person so much that you simply must ask their forgiveness.  True love means saying you're sorry.

Fiat

Maybe you've heard of the trend of choosing a word at the beginning of each new year.  The word is to be one's focus for the year; a way to home in on one specific attribute and have it be a constant reminder of where you want to grow.  

I am in a Facebook group of moms and the question was raised:  "What is your word for 2021?".  While I've flirted with the idea of choosing a word for the year, I've never really done it.  But after the question was posed, I spent some time pondering what I might like to choose for this year, and I've decided to try to fully embrace a word this year.  

After only a few moments of thinking about it, the word came to me: Fiat.  While I've understood the meaning of the word fiat for many years, the actual word fiat is relatively new to me.  When the angel Gabriel came to Mary and announced to her that she had found favor with God and she would conceive and bear God's son, Jesus, Mary was confused.  But after a brief exchange with the the angel, Mary said, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be unto me according to your word." (Luke 1:38).  

And in those short moments, Mary's entire plan for her life shifted.  Whatever plans she might have had for her life were no longer a reality.  This is Mary's fiat.  Fiat is taken from the Latin, meaning "let it be done".  Without long deliberation or any apparent fear or trepidation, Mary surrenders her will and ideas for her future and boldly steps into a great unknown, but she steps with quiet confidence that the future is not unknown to God.

What a beautiful example and inspiration to us!  How often I cling to my idea for my future, the future of my children, my husband, our family. . .the list goes on and on!  My heart tightly grasps my will and I am often hard pressed to let God show me HIS will - His good and gracious will.  In my broken humanity, I am barely able to see what is just around me -- and I can't imagine anything else than my short-sighted dreams and hopes for my future, especially if it is scary, sad or challenging.  But God's will is always perfect, and is always much better than whatever my feeble mind could ever imagine.  

Several months ago, I said goodbye to a dear friend who was moving several hours away.  I thought long and hard about a gift to give her, to let her know how much she meant to me. I found a necklace for her that I felt summed up how she looked at life: it is a tiny circle with one word imprinted on it:  fiat.  My friend's future was taking a shift and not going in the direction she had thought it would, but she said to God, "Let it be unto me, according to your word".  I loved the necklace so much I bought one for myself as well, and I often hold the tiny disc and pray the words to myself as a reminder.  Let it be unto me, Lord.  Your will for my life is perfect and beautiful.

Fiat.