A Family Reunion

Family reunions. 

If you know me at all, you know that I love family reunions. From the small scale of our seven family members coming together for dinner, a holiday, or a vacation, (you can read here how I feel about my circles being stacked up), to get-togethers and vacations with all of the grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, to extended family reunions every summer - they are all important to me and a priority.

This weekend, we had a guest preacher, one in a series of guest preachers we have had this year to celebrate our church's 150th anniversary.  Among his thoughts in the sermon, he used the phrase "family reunion" to describe what we experience each Sunday when we come together as the body of Christ. It really resonated with me as I looked at the people around me — the faces of those I have loved for many years, who are truly family.

On this particular Sunday, two days ago, I had the privilege of singing with the choir and being the Cantor. The choir sang a childhood favorite of mine, John Rutter’s For the Beauty of the Earth. And as I sang it, I was overwhelmed. I was moved by the beauty of the piece, melodic and rich in lyrics, and steeped in nostalgia and memories for me. And the words of our guest preacher echoed in my mind — a family reunion. 

Rewind back to circa 1981. A little third-grade version of me, with long dark red hair and a shy grin, joined the Carol Choir at our Lutheran school. The director, Mr. B., was a dear family friend, and I imagine I was excited to be a part of his choir — he was funny; a jokester and quick to laugh, but he was also a loving teacher and an excellent and talented musician and choir director. In two years, I shed the short white robe of the carol choir and donned the long choral robe of the school choir. And dare I say this? Joining the choir impacted my entire life. 

Beginning in fifth grade, our school choir sang challenging and complicated pieces, we went to workshops, and sang for pastor's conventions. We sang with various instruments at worship twice a month, and at concerts and festival services throughout the year. We laughed with our director, but we also learned proper breathing techniques, the difference between head voice and chest voice, and how to sing vowels by watching a rubber band stretch in different directions. In the school choir, we often sang for funerals at our church, offering up our voices with Children of the Heavenly Father, which we kept in our folders for such occasions.  Though we were in middle school, we often sang with the church choir, which I later joined in high school, singing difficult pieces such as the Messiah. Mr. B. often charted our progress as the Christmas concert approached, with detailed graphs on the chalkboard behind the risers.   My time in the choirs at my childhood church spanned about 10 years, and participating in that ministry shaped who I am:  the people I sang alongside, the biblical texts of so many pieces, and overarchingly, ever pointing me to my Savior.

So what does all this waxing nostalgic about choir have to do with family reunions?  Maybe nothing to anyone else, but to me, it all connects.  This past Sunday, as I sang the Rutter piece with all my heart, we sang the phrase "friends on earth, and friends above". I looked out from the choir loft with love at all the faces around me, thinking of them, and all of the faces before with a fierce love. This family reunion — the communion of saints — reaches far beyond my love of earthly family reunions.   As I sang the words so embedded in my heart, as many hymns are, I thanked God for His gift of the Church. From 1981 to present day, and before that and forevermore, God gives us each other - this fellowship of believers, which spans distance and time. 

Each Sunday, as we commune with the body of believers, we get a little taste of what is to come. And one day, we will sing and rejoice in the ultimate family reunion — with our sainted loved ones and all those who knew Christ — as we spend eternity in the presence of our Savior. 

A family reunion indeed. 

Post Vacation Thoughts, Irish Style

Late last evening, we returned home from vacation (almost 24 hours later than scheduled!).  Our family vacation looked a little different this year - no pop-up, no camping, no United States!  Due to an incredible travel fund gift our family received last year for my husband's 25th ordination anniversary, all seven of us went to the Wild Atlantic Way of Ireland.  We spent 10 days traveling up and down the western coast of Ireland and it was absolutely amazing.  We have almost 900 photos and 30+ videos and countless memories.  I'll never be able to sum it all up, but here are a few of my thoughts on this amazing gift we received:

• Beauty!  Literally everywhere we looked, we saw beauty.  Mountains, green pastures and farmland,  cliffs, ocean views, beaches, sheep (more on them later!), castles, churches, Irish homes, Irish towns.  .  .the list goes on.  We saw places we'd heard about - The Cliffs of Moher, The Skellig Islands (where some of Star Wars was filmed!) the Dingle Peninsula, the Ring of Kerry, Blasket Island, the Aran Islands, Limerick, Galway, and a zillion other places we'd never heard of, but turned out to be gorgeous.  I just kept saying "This is amazing" and felt lame for my uninspired vocabulary, but I just had trouble summing it up into words. Ireland is a beautiful place, in every way.
• History! I was never a fan of history in school, but being in historical places has always fascinated me and Ireland didn't disappoint.  We saw so many old castles/forts/homesteads (some in ruins, some somewhat restored), and learned so many things about how the people lived in them (a murder hole over the front door! ancient toilets!).  Walking those old grounds/castles felt so surreal to me, knowing a tiny bit of what might have taken place where I was standing.  We also saw more "modern" homes - Victorian mansions and gardens and grounds.  Still so old by American standards, but not so old over there!  The first Airbnb we stayed in was 300 years old and had been in the owner's family since it was built.  It was quirky and awesome. And finally, we saw some beautiful churches and abbeys and cemeteries, some restored, some not, but all breathtaking in their own way.  
• Family history!  While we didn't choose to go to Ireland for this reason, I realized after we'd made our plans that some of my ancestors had been born in one of the towns on our route.  We took a car ferry to the town of Kilrush, and we were able to go to the parish where I believe some of my ancestors attended/were baptized.  The experience of being where my family had lived in the early 1800s was pretty overwhelming to me and so incredibly amazing. 
• Driving! Before we left for the trip, I was pretty anxious about driving in Ireland - on the wrong side of the car and the wrong side of the road.  My husband drove a manual, but we paid a little more for me to have an automatic (no one wants me to dust off my rusty 30+ year-old stick-shift knowledge AND shift with my left hand!).  We decided my eldest daughter would be my husband's navigator, and our eldest son would be mine, and the other three kids switched back and forth between the cars.  My son was a rockstar as he helped me navigate the streets of Ireland.  And shockingly, aside from the first few minutes behind the wheel,  I was remarkably calm about the driving.  But lemme tell you some things about driving in Ireland - first, the streets are all "2 lane", as in cars can be driving in both directions, but aside from highways, practically none of the streets are wide enough.  At best they're all about 1.5 lanes, and at worst, they're 1 lane.  And every single street in the whole country is winding, and both sides of the roads have stone walls or high brush immediately next the road (shoulders are non-existent in this country).  My son was so calm and patient, as he watched his life pass before him many times as I continually drove on the far left side of the road and he saw stone walls dangerously close to him as we zipped along.  He quietly waved his left hand to the right the entire trip, saying "stay right, Shellerton", as we listened to the only music I had downloaded on my phone on constant repeat for 10 days -- songs I had purchased or added circa 15 years ago.  Overall driving, while never a relaxing experience, wasn't as bad as I had feared, and we turned in both cars with "no new damage noted".  WIN!
• Homes!  Literally EVERY house in Ireland has a border - a fence at a minimum, but most with a hedgerow or stone wall.  Once I noticed this fact, I started looking for one without a border and I never saw one.  All the houses are built in the same style too - all the homes, new and old were cohesive. I desperately wanted to watch all the houses as we drove, but due to the teeny, tiny, curving roads, I had to miss some of them. 
• Irish!  Before the trip, I didn't realize how many people speak Irish in Ireland.  All signage is in both languages, and we heard lots of people speaking Irish.  I loved their accents when they spoke English as well - so lilting and lovely.  I tried hard to pick up the accent, as I often do in a different place,  but I never quite succeeded. Many of their unique phrases also made us smile - it was just so fun to listen to the people speak. 
• Wildlife!  My family can attest to the fact that while we did see some cattle, goats, and horses (we also had a near-hysterical puffin sighting), the real "wildlife" that I was obsessed with was the sheep.  After the first day or two I fell in love with the sheep that we saw in the fields everywhere we went.  We listened to them baaing and they brought me such joy.  On one of our walks into an old castle area, we saw a sheep farmer and his sheepdogs herding the sheep.  It was absolutely beautiful to me.  The sheep followed the dogs and farmer so well.  It was so incredible to see them running as the farmer and dogs herded them around the corners and into their pen.  I tried to take a video and failed, much to my later sorrow.  The whole thing was so moving to me, I actually cried!  The sheep in Ireland will be one of my best memories (so much so that I bought several sheep and sheep related little items and will be decorating a TTTT with them in the near future.  I have been made fun of for this.  I DO NOT CARE.  Me likey the sheepies.).
• Family!  As always, the best part of any vacation to me is the time together -laughing, appreciating our surroundings, and just spending time together.  I cherish that we could spend so many days in such an unbelievable place.  Many times during the trip I said to our family how thankful I was that our congregation gifted this fund to us - it provided a once in a lifetime opportunity for the seven of us.  I am so grateful. ♥

The Best of Friends

From the time my husband and I got engaged, we talked about having a big family. Interestingly enough, we always thought we'd have five kids, which we later went on to actually do!  I don't know if we actually envisioned what life with lots of kids would look like, but we each came from a family of two children and were very close to our siblings.  I think we really loved the idea of a loud, fun house, full of kids playing, laughing, and loving each other.

What we didn't envision was all the fighting!  While my husband and his brother had their moments growing up, and my sister and I sometimes bickered, I don't think we could have pictured what a house full of kids who didn't always see eye to eye would look like. As our family grew in number and the children grew in years, so did the arguing.  And the complaining.  And the constant "Mom!  Tell him to ______!!!!"

And oh. my. goodness.  There were so many moments when dear old mom was at the end of her rope.  Moments where I thought if I heard so much as one more whine and fuss about a sibling, so help me, everyone was going to regret it.  Not my finest hour(s), but it was reality.  Will they ever get along?  I lamented to myself, to my husband, to God. I had serious concerns.  After all, I knew lots of adult siblings who were not particularly close at best and actually estranged at worst.  I wasn't living in lala land where my kids might fight all their childhood but then suddenly emerge as adults who were the best of pals.  I knew their childhood years were critical in shaping their relationships with each other as adults.

And so I reminded them often, usually during a disagreement or squabble, or after an unkind word or uncharitable action:  "Please be kind to your brother (or sister).  He (or she) will be your friend for life!  You won't know anyone as long as you will know your siblings!  God gave you such a gift in your brothers and sisters!"

Repeat, over and over again, and then wait. Wait for years. Wait and pray, and continue to guide and encourage and offer opportunities for sibling bonding.  

And then, after all of those years, I have had the joy of seeing those prayers and pleas being answered. As my kids have grown into adults and older teenagers, what I thought might never happened has indeed happened:  they are friends.  

With joy, I have watched them laugh together, turn to a sibling for advice during a hard time, celebrate each other's victories,  and cry with each other during struggles.  They often choose to be together, look to each other for answers, and stand up for each other when needed.  Sure, they also gang up together to make fun of mom and dad,  but we can take it because "look, honey!  The kids are getting along so well while they mock us!" They have a separate group chat of just the kids where I'm sure they say all sorts of ridiculous things, but maybe also build each other up.  

No one will understand their growing-up years quite like their siblings do.  They can laugh about a funny video they watched when they were little, or how excited they were on Christmas morning, or how they used to play "crazy church".  While my husband and I were there, our perspective was different, and they could only turn to each other to fully reminisce about their memories. 

So if you're a young mom reading this, take heart. Keep encouraging and offering opportunities for your kids to grow closer.  And keep praying.  And then wait.  And in a few years, you'll see those fledgling friendships you've been watching grow truly blossoming.  And it will be beautiful. 

A Suffering Vine Makes Fine Wine

 My husband shared that quippy line last week in his homily.  I think he saw it when he was at a winery last year.  It fit with the reading for the day from John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Between the sermon and our small group, we explored lots from that verse, including discerning God's will for lives, but as I've pondered it all this week, the idea of the suffering vine has stuck with me.  Because -- and maybe I'm not alone here -- I don't like to suffer. I prefer goodness and happiness and all-is-well, thankyouverymuch.  I'm not interested in pain or sorrow, I don't even watch movies that make me cry (which I will say takes a lot of movies off the table for me, as I cry about practically everything).  I want my life to be smooth, for my husband and kids not to experience heartache or tragedy, or hardship. I'm not a helicopter or lawnmower or snowplow parent, because I know that challenges are good for all of us, but I can't say I welcome real and true hardships for anyone in my family.  A little hiccup now and then is good for a person, but true tribulation?  No thanks.

And yet.  

Years ago I ran across this quote from St. Julian of Norwich:  "He said not, 'Thou shall not be tempested, thou shall not be travailed, though shall not be diseased', but He said 'Thou shall not be overcome'".  I remember jotting it down as soon as I heard it.  We're not promised to be without challenges, but we are promised that we shall not be overcome.  We often feel like we're in the fire of struggle, and it hurts.  But God tells us to remain in Him and the fire won't destroy us.  And even more, the fire will refine us.  Strengthen us.  Cause us to grow.  Help us bear fruit for Him.

I was once at a weeklong Theology of the Body conference, and at the closing worship, a gal sitting in the row with me knelt down low and held her cupped hands above her head.  She was sobbing, and her entire posture and emotion were so moving to me - I can see her vividly even now, many years later.  It was clear she was suffering deeply, and yet she held her hands up to Jesus, offering her suffering up to Him.  Since that day, I have often knelt low beside my bed during times of trial or sorrow, with my hands open above my head, offering my suffering up just as I saw her do.  There is something about the posture of the body that moves the posture of the heart.  Physically offering my struggles up to Christ turns my sinful heart toward Him in a way I can palpably feel.  

We're not told we won't suffer.  But we are told we won't be consumed by our sufferings, and in fact, our sufferings will produce beauty and growth.  Jesus will never leave us - He is the vine and we are the branches - He is literally attached to us.

Offer up your suffering to Jesus.  He'll do something with it.

Do Not Be Afraid

A friend and I were recently talking about fear.  She is a couple of years younger than me, but she was reflecting on the fact that it seems as if she is getting more fearful as she ages.  Not doubting God or losing faith, but simply worrying over what might happen -- in this case to one of her children.  I commiserated with her -- I know these feelings of fear all too well.

But the more I thought about it, it seems there are two sides of the coin for me.  On the one hand, as I have gotten older, I do notice myself batting worry over "what could happen".  As my friend and I were talking, we attributed that to the fact that the older we get, the more we have seen.  The more loss and heartache we have experienced.  Like many people, when I was young, I felt invincible - the world was wide open, and I thankfully hadn't experienced too much loss or tragedy.  But as we all get older, we start to experience those challenges personally and see and feel those in our loved ones' lives as well.  So, maybe the fear comes due to simply an awareness of what could happen that we didn't fully have when we were younger.  

But on the other hand, with age I have noticed comes a deeper peace in God's good will for us.  Might bad things happen?  Yes.  But is He with us throughout the journey? Yes.  Many times as I have gotten older, I have asked God for the desires of my heart, but with a greater understanding of His will.  I pray now, as I always have, that God's will be done in my life and the lives of those around me.  As we all know, that can be a challenging prayer to pray.  God's will might not look like my will at all.  The things I think I want so badly might not be good for me (or my loved ones), and my little finite mind just can't see that.  But if we truly pray for God's will in our lives, there can be no room for fear.   He will give us just what we need.  It might not be easy or the path we would have chosen, but it is for our good nonetheless. 

This past Sunday's homily was in part about fear, and my friend and I were discussing how timely it felt to her about a concern she was having.  It felt timely to me also, but perhaps because it would be timely for me any Sunday.  In the homily, our pastor said "Fear suffocates faith.  Fear is never from the Lord.  The Lord brings you faith."  I have often quoted "Get behind me, Satan!" -- sometimes with a laugh or a smile, maybe when I am reaching for a dessert I know I shouldn't be eating or something trivial like that.  But there have been other times too, when I know that Satan truly is at work, casting doubt and fear into my heart, causing me to lose focus on what I know is true.  Those moments of fear are Satan, trying his hardest to rip things apart as he always does.

So maybe with age can also come a renewed zeal in truly praying for God's will in my life.  For putting fear behind me and praying for His peace, the peace which passes all understanding.  In my quiet moments of prayer and reflection, I can hear Jesus say "Do not be afraid.  Peace be with you."

Fear is not from God.  God gives us peace.

. . .for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:7

On the End of an Era

Twenty-one years ago this month, I got a packet in the mail.  I was absolutely thrilled to receive it - our almost three-year-old daughter was going to start preschool in the fall at our Lutheran school.  I was equal parts excited and shocked that my little baby was old enough for school.  It felt like a moment - her preschool enrollment was to begin our family's journey in the Lutheran elementary school years.  

Fast forward.  Tomorrow is re-enrollment day again.  But this year, I won't take my form to the office, enrolling 1,2,3,4, or 5 kiddos in our school  Tomorrow will be a regular day for me.

It's a bit surreal to know that next year I will walk in the doors for work by myself.  I won't have anyone tagging along, helping me take down chairs, waiting for me to get done after school, or popping down to my classroom midday for a hug or a visit with my littles.  It feels like the end of an era.

Let's pretend I'm a swiftie - we'll call it our Lutheran School Era (I never said I was a creative swiftie!).

 In this era, we've:

• gone to 11+ Christmas/Mother's Day/Thanksgiving programs per child (though many overlapped between kids), so maybe roughly 35, but who's counting?
• listened to/helped with more memory work passages than I can try to count, all of these moments being good for my own faith as I memorized Bible verses and sections of the catechism 
• participated in 21 National Lutheran Schools' Weeks, complete with special dress days, which are not my strong suit, but luckily Daddy is creative
• thanked God for our children's teachers, for our church and school, and for the steadfast mission they have always had to give their students Jesus 
• cried through 21 Blessing Chapels, and thus far 4 graduations, soon-to-be five (I fear some ugly crying might show up)
• helped our children work through countless struggles, hopefully teaching them valuable skills along the way
• attended about a zillion volleyball, soccer, basketball, and games, and many eternal track meets, washing stinky uniforms many nights
• watched the kids participate in spelling bees, geography bees, math competitions, music concerts, and talent shows
• prayed, and prayed and prayed

Lots of things in the list above will carry on into high school  - we still have two kids at home after all.  But this May will be the end of a very long era in our house, and it stings just a bit.  I'm excited for my youngest daughter to join her big brother in high school, but I also long for those little-kid days with part of my heart.  The height of our Lutheran School Era was craaazy - there was so much to help the kids keep track of in those days.  But I look back on it all so fondly.  

I'm grateful for everything that has brought us to this point. Our Lutheran School Era is finally an adult - a full-fledged 21-year-old.  It's time for our next era now, and we're ready for it. 

Silent Night

Silent Night.

Flickering candles.

Beautiful harmonies.

Cherished faces.

Family. 

A newborn Baby.

Love.

Those phrases sum up the end of worship last week on Christmas Eve.  As the church reverently lit their candles and passed the flame down each pew, the organist softly playing the beginning strains of Silent Night, I looked down at my hands, holding a lone candle. 

And suddenly my hands seemed to change before my eyes. . .instead of hands showing their 50 years, I saw young hands holding the candle.  And the candle didn't have a fancy plastic holder, it had a flimsy paper one that sometimes dripped hot wax onto my fingers.  

I recalled my childhood Christmases, earnestly holding the candle my parents entrusted me with.  I remembered singing in the aisle with the school choir members, and later with the adult choir.  I thought of our early years of marriage in differing states and our last 25 years at Trinity, juggling wiggly children with their own lit candles that I cautiously let them hold onto, their faces rapt with joy. 

And I realized, with a great amount of reverence, that every Christmas Eve of my life (except for two due to sick children), I was in church, holding a candle, singing Silent Night, surrounded by family.  Very quickly, the beauty of that realization hit me, and my eyes welled up.   For 50 years, I have been blessed to celebrate Christ's birth in this way - quietly, reverently, beautifully, and with family.

So many things change in life, and change is not my fave.  I prefer continuity and constancy and sure bets and steadfastness.  

But this.  This moment, though each year looks a little different, remains at its core the same.  The family surrounding me has changed over the years - some people are sainted with Jesus, some are far away, and some have been born to us.  The church family is different as the years pass too. But every year, I stand with my candle in my hand and my family filling the sanctuary with me.

What a gift.  To have had parents who raised me in the church, week in and week out, including so many Christmas Eves (and mornings!), to have married a man who values the faith and dedicates his life to it, and to have children who hold their faith dear and are themselves so deeply affected by the birth of their Savior.  

As I stood there, last week, with my candle in my hand, singing by heart the song I've sung on December 24th every year of my life, I looked around at the faces both in my pew and in the rest of the church, and I thanked God for His generosity to us.  That He sent His son, in such a lowly way, to save all of us.  That He gifted us all with each other - brothers and sisters in Christ - to encourage one another on our walk.  

That one silent night, so long ago, changed everything.  And because of that silent night, we have everything.